Wednesday, May 13, 2015

On How Everything Will (Probably) Be Ok

So it's official.  I'm moving to Lynchburg Virginia in August.  
Something I've found out is that despite the fact that my entire life, most people ignore me or have little to say to me, as soon as they find out I've made a major life descision, everyone feels the need to bless me with their opinions.  I'm totally Ok, being ignored, I've always joked that one of my biggest goals in life was to be invisible, and now I chuckle at the ones that have never cared about me that are suddenly concerned about the big mistake I'm possibly making.  

About a month ago, the anxiety was crushing me, my biggest fear of failing was looming like a storm cloud because what if I tried to fly but ended up crashing and burning.  I would have so many people with "I told you so"s to come back to, and the thought of it made me want to hide in my closet.  

But I wasn't seeing all the people that were totally happy for me.  Yes, they know there are risks, and that things will never go the exact way you expect them, but these brave souls know that's what life is about.  Amanda has no one cheering her on but is still determined to try and prove that she can carve a way for herself in this world.  There are people waiting and watching for us to fail, but something we've both realized is everyone's a critic.  Your damned by some if you try something new, your damned by some if you keep status quo, so you might as well do what you want to do, and what you think is right.  

Something I told myself through my teenage years as I was scared stiff at messing up is I'd rather try and fail, than do nothing and live with regrets.  I've lived this mantra, I've tried, a lot, and I've failed, a lot.  I might be young, but I'm no stranger to dissapointment.  And I found out it's not the end of the world.  Yes it hurts, yes it leaves scars, some of which don't heal easy, but at least I did something.  

I'm not worried that I'll leave and not be able to make it.  If my life adventures have taught me anything it's that I'll be Ok, whether it goes well or whether I fail, it doesn't matter.  So far, I have a 100% sucess rate of making it through tough times.  I have a God that treasures me (for some reason) and that holds me in His hand.  I have two good feet that allow me to move forward, I have a brain that serves me well, a heart that's pretty servicable, and soul hidden in the cleft of the Rock. What should I fear?  

Sunday, May 3, 2015

If You Want Something Done Right DIY

      We live in a western society where when you want something, you go to the store and buy it.  That's just how things are.  We work to have money to buy stuff.  Being as interested in the off grid community as I am, the whole point of that lifestyle is to cut off reliances with modern society, particularly, stores.  Call it paranoia, call it trust issues, but I think our dependence on stores is kind of scary.  As pround Americans I dare say most, with heads held high, reject any accusations of being dependent on anything.  Sorry first world countries, but most of us wouldn't know where food and essential supplies came from if we were smacked in the face with it,  We don't even know why we do the things the way we do them.  We just do.  And we never challenge, we never think outside the box.  

Of course at first, it's impossible to cut off all ties to our modern reliance all at once.  But you can start small.  I'm only doing the smidgen of DIYs I should be, but here is my list so far. 
-DIY laundry soap (saves big $$ and only takes 3 cheap ingredients) 
-DIY fabric softener (way less chemicals, also saving $$) 
- DIY food, GARDEN (so far with limited sucess but this one requires skill and experience) 
- Maple Syrup, aka the best decision of my life 
- DIY face wash 
- Obviously, our business is making skin care so lots of DIY soap, lotion, salves etc 
- Homemade cleaners
*excited to try* making popsicles, cause its just juice and fruit, and instead of $4 for a box, I bought the molds at the dollar store and now I can make whatever flavor I want 
The mindset is totally different.  Instead of "Oh no, I'm out of ___ better run to the store and buy it" you think more like "Oh no, I'm out of ____ let me see if there's a homeade alternative with simple ingredients I already have at hand".  Like seriously, with coconut oil, white vinagar, apple cidar vinagar, baking soda, and lavender oil, you can make like 100 things for around the house that you currently buy at the store.]

Just my little DIY rant.  

Thursday, April 16, 2015

All That's Fair

    I haven't written in a while.  I've gotten my puppy, tapped ample trees and made syrup, overseen goat births, planted a garden, all the beautiful things this time of year brings to the farm.  And it makes me happy. Winter, even with our easier and more effecient farming system, was starting to drag painfully.  I went outside Monday and the scent of flowers was carried on the breeze.  Yes.  Spring.  Finally.  Everyday for the last week I've spent all my time outside working, all the little post winter things that beed to be done that it's really a pleasure to do becasue it's so beautiful outside.  
     The only reason I'm even inside writing this now is because I've injured my foot and even after the 10 days since I hurt it, it's still swelled the size of a baseball.  Apparently I need to rest it.  I've barely been able to stuff it inside a shoe so unless I'm going out into public, I have a fantastic excuse to do farmwork barefoot.  Freaks everyone else out but doesn't bother me.  
      Life doesn't get much better than kneeling in a pile of composted manure with your puppy digging near by, planting seeds and your shuffling music starts playing This is My Father's World.  

This is my Father's World, why should my heart be sad?  

Why should it?  The sun is shining, physically and metaphorically.  It may not last long, I have no idea, but all I know is that I'm going to enjoy it.  

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Nose Trouble

I have figured out what will make the world a better place.  If everyone minded their own bunnies, I would bet half the world's problems would dissapear.   
I've always had little interest in other people's lives/problems/secrets.  I have my hands full with my own life thank you very much. 
So much hurt is caused by meddling, and her sisters nosiness and and gossip.  Don't people have work?  Hobbies? Something constructive to do with your time?  
I can however understand the perverse satisfaction gained from talking bad about someone that I can't stand, which is related to gossip, so I have plenty of room here to grow myself.  
Just keep your nose to yourself, it's not that hard, keep your eyes forward and your hands busy.  It's good for you, and relievingly better for the rest of us.  I don't want to have to answer all your questions.  I dont want to have to tell you things that happened to other people I care about.  I don't want to have to defend myself against your prying, and neither do the rest of the honest, steady people just trying to get by.  
Gee, I wonder if there's a relevant Bible verse that would back me up here.  
There is.....
Oh, look at you there 1 Thess 4:11! 

Aspire to live quietly, and to mind your own affairs, and to work with your hands, as we instructed you.

There you go.  

PS weeks after I wrote and saved this post (it's been sitting in my drafts for a while) there comes a country song talking about exactly this subject, it's what reminded me that I hadn't published this yet.  

Wednesday, March 4, 2015

A Flipped Perspective

So I guess I'm at that age where your friends all start to get married?  It seems too soon, like WAY too soon; I'm only 21, how is this possible?  I really shouldn't be surprised, I mean, my best friend growing up has been married (now with a kid) for over a year now.  I know of 3 or 4 blessed events happening I can think of just off the top of my head.  And I say "blessed event" in a not completely cynical manner.  I'm sincerely happy for them, I would never be upset at someone I know finding love.  I'm just taken aback maybe is the right word. Surprised?  A bit shocked?  Even watching someone else's life change suddenly and drastically makes me cringe I guess.  

I've had this on my mind recently, being completely baffled by the mix of emotions I was feeling, as anything more than one emotion at a time is confusing. I was at my grandparents house, helping my grandma who recently fell and broke her ankle, I was sweeping and she was reading the paper in her wheelchair.  "I got to read the obituaries and see if I recognize anyone" she says.  I asked her how often that actually happened, she replied quite often.  Whenever she sees anyone she knew, even as an acquaintance, she cuts it out and puts it in her Bible.  Thinking there could only be a half dozen, I peeked in her Bible, over 20 faces were tucked into the flap of her Bible cover.  That's alot of dead friends.  

I realized I would much rather have to hear that my friends are getting married.  I'm feeling much more appreciative of that now.  I'm just going to enjoy the ups and downs of being a 20 something now, thank you very much.   

Monday, March 2, 2015

Faking It At Church

Recently I've been helping Emily find a new church.  She shared with me her struggles of putting on a happy face for church and pretending that life is fine and dandy at home.  I didn't think that our church was that kind of place, a place where you have to pretend to be perfect for everone or they would self destruct.  I realized that wether or not you pretend is completely up to you.  

I've found a safe haven at Hope Bible, a place to be myself, and not have to fake it.  Some Sundays I come in, minutes before my family, frustrated and stressed.  "breathe Victoria!" Is usually what I hear from the peanut gallery.  A look or a sigh is usually enough to indicate what's going on after the chipper pre service "How's it going?" There's more time for talking after the sermon is over where we bear each others burdens in way of encouragement.  I have finally stopped giving the automatic "I'm doing great!" response to every sincere "How are you?"  It's taken years to beat out, but openness and honesty are the only ways we can help each other.  

I pray Emily learns that.  I know it's hard to break out of old habits, especially when fights in the car and prompt painted on smilies are a good chunk of your church memories.  I'm pretty sure I'm the only one in my family that feels comfortable enough in our church to be this way.  Just recently, after a week where my mom was having a rough go of it, Jen, a close friend at church asked her "How are you this week?" I watched from a few feet away, curious to see how my mom would respond.  "I'm doin good!" she prompty chirped.  I raised my eyerow at her.  Why people feel the need to blatently lie makes no sense to me.  If your situation is a sensative matter, I get it, you can't just blurt it all out in front of everone, but a simple "It's been rough" or "Eh, I'm alive" is enough to signal a hug or word of encouragment.  

Seriously, lets be real people.  My patience for little word games is waning.  

Starting Again

"I feel like I just need a fresh start, you know what I mean?"
Yes Amanda, I know exactly what you mean.  Me and my best friend Amanda were in the car, driving through a snow storm up to New Hampshire to look at a college, talking about the future.  Amanda is planning to go to school to be an ASL Interpreter, I'm going with her, to whichever college she chooses.  We're getting an apartment and we're gonna rock city life like two bachelorettes trying to find our way in the world.

I hate the city, and would never have imagined myself voluntarily moving to one.  But cities have public transportation for people who can't drive, cities have ample opportunity, cities have lot's of people, and a city might be a place where I can actually have a life.  Life isn't about just working, eating, surviving, sleeping, repeat.  Life is everything between all those things.  The friends you surround yourself with, activities you find fulfillment in, the envirorment you live in.  That is what makes up the non surviving part of life.  And I need that. 

Right now, I'm pretty happy, but it's inspite of my life, not because of it.  Things will never be perfect, but I can change so that things are better.  And that's what I'm doing.  

I love the farm, and animals give me just as much joy as they always have.  It's the people connected with the farm that give me a headache.  Animals are simple creatures with simple needs; food, water, shelter, a scratch on the head. Humans are not so easy.  They are unreasonable, disfunctionl, cruel, and you can't hit them with a bucket when they don't listen to you.  I live in a house full of them and the tension is suffocating me.  The balance of power is difficult with two of them being parents and the other two being children that need to live by the rules of the house or else find some other place to live.  It is time for me to find some other place to live.  And not out of some teenage like rebellion that wants to sneak out of the house at night.  It's because, since I'm in the child catagory, I can't fix anything wrong in the broken place that is my home.  I've tried. As a family member told me, I'm "the glue that keeps us in one piece".  But that's not my job, and an improvised tool can only do a job for so long without breaking down.  And I am breaking down.  

I need to get my own life, with my own problems that I can actually fix because they are mine.  I need this burden lifted off my shoulders.  I need a place where I can have a life and feel like a real person

I need a fresh start.