Starting Again

"I feel like I just need a fresh start, you know what I mean?"

Yes Amanda, I know exactly what you mean.  Me and my best friend Amanda were in the car, driving through a snow storm up to New Hampshire to look at a college, talking about the future.  Amanda is planning to go to school to be an ASL Interpreter, I'm going with her, to whichever college she chooses.  We're getting an apartment and we're gonna rock city life like two bachelorettes trying to find our way in the world.

I hate the city, and would never have imagined myself voluntarily moving to one.  But cities have public transportation for people who can't drive, cities have ample opportunity, cities have lot's of people, and a city might be a place where I can actually have a life.  Life isn't about just working, eating, surviving, sleeping, repeat.  Life is everything between all those things.  The friends you surround yourself with, activities you find fulfillment in, the envirorment you live in.  That is what makes up the non surviving part of life.  And I need that. 

Right now, I'm pretty happy, but it's inspite of my life, not because of it.  Things will never be perfect, but I can change so that things are better.  And that's what I'm doing.  

I love the farm, and animals give me just as much joy as they always have.  It's the people connected with the farm that give me a headache.  Animals are simple creatures with simple needs; food, water, shelter, a scratch on the head. Humans are not so easy.  They are unreasonable, disfunctionl, cruel, and you can't hit them with a bucket when they don't listen to you.  I live in a house full of them and the tension is suffocating me.  The balance of power is difficult with two of them being parents and the other two being children that need to live by the rules of the house or else find some other place to live.  It is time for me to find some other place to live.  And not out of some teenage like rebellion that wants to sneak out of the house at night.  It's because, since I'm in the child catagory, I can't fix anything wrong in the broken place that is my home.  I've tried. As a family member told me, I'm "the glue that keeps us in one piece".  But that's not my job, and an improvised tool can only do a job for so long without breaking down.  And I am breaking down.  

I need to get my own life, with my own problems that I can actually fix because they are mine.  I need this burden lifted off my shoulders.  I need a place where I can have a life and feel like a real person

I need a fresh start.