In the Blur of Battle

I think I may be becoming a workaholic.  I love my job, and I love being busy and having something to occupy my hands and my mind at all times.  When I have nothing to do, I go crazy (though my stability at the best of times is debatable), and not the fun crazy, the bad kind.  And it's not because I particularly LOVE working or because it's biblical to be industrious, it's not that at all.  It's because it numbs.

Sort of like a warrior, drowning himself in the blur of battle.  Fighting hard and fast with no room for thought only action.  With no mind to who he is, or why he's fighting. Paying no mind to how he is wounded, or how he is angry, just how he must fight, and not stop.  Because once he stops then he will have to think, take account of his injuries, and try to move on. 

God brought to my attention last night, that I was very angry.  I am so good at covering things up that even I did know I was angry.  I thought about it and knew it was true.  I thought of all the people I could be angry at, people I could possibly blame for some of the things that are happening in my life.  The truth was, I was angry at God.  Angry because I stepped out in faith and He left me to fall without a safety net.  I "let go" only to loose everything and end up right back where I started, no about 3 steps behind where I started.  That was how I felt.

I looked at the moon and put God on trial in my mind.
"So what do you have to say for Yourself God?"  I asked defiantly.
As soon as the words left my lips I knew it was a complete FAIL.  I knew the answer to my own question.

God has a plan.  I don't know why He's doing what He's doing, or why He did what He did, but I don't have to.

All I have to do is believe that what I perceive as a shattered future could really be a redemptive one.

And I have to stop fighting and stop running and let God do whatever He is doing.

 I don't usually write about things this personal, especially when I haven't completely learned my lesson yet, but I had a feeling that I should.  So I did. 

Amen